Tag Archives: free verse

daughter

2017. excerpt from a song 

my brother’s your other
I would have had your daughter
I’m not the tiny creature
you think I am
I’m the big bad wolf
incubus succubus
evil eagle pecking out your eyes

I could have stayed and laid
there forever with you
forever with you
you leak out of my eyes
like a traumatic head injury would
I could have stayed and laid
there forever with you

I don’t know what
I want from you
but I know I don’t
I don’t want you

sky

it hurts to look up to the sky
into that deep
perfect infinite blue of the universe
why do my eyes ache in the light?
I wait for an answer,
and turn towards it anyway.
the power of victim is strong
and sticky,
but I know
as the sun wrings tears from my eyes
that it is not more than the
power of truth.
the power of perfect is strong
and incorrect.
a vision of material attainment
burns holes in my soul –
and that is just,
despite the child’s protestations of
need and want and why.
new beliefs are delicate like
virgin shoots from the ground
and the galaxy eyes of newborns.
and samely, bring the deep
joy of reality.
I am still healing,
still connecting to the gratitude strand
that ties the experiences of cruelty together.
without loss
I could not be me
and the time that I screamed against
all that I was
is over.
into the stars, or the sky, or the eyes of
newborns, the fresh shoots of spring
or the dying leaves of winter;
I allow the ache in my eyes,
and I live.

jetty

he grips my arm around the wrist
heavy-knuckled fingers all adorned
with my favourite jewellery,
digging into my sweet skin and
child-like bone.
“oh,
what a pretty ring!”
I exclaim,
although he cannot hear me
because I am underwater,
and my mouth is so full and
wet, that no sounds can escape.
he grips stagnantly,
with no intention of letting go
and I suppose that I feel safe
even as I feel cold salt water
filling both of my lungs and
the sting of blood where the
silver scrapes and bruises me.
“I’m drowning,
so let me
go!”
he doesn’t hear.
I attempt to protest
and scratch away at him with my
free arm, like a crazed
rat in a trap.
he doesn’t let go.
the water is distorting my vision
but I can see his eyes
(which are still
full of hurt,
by the way)
staring down at me through
the slop and crash of waves.
he must be cold
or getting tired, at the
very least.
my legs are thrashing now,
and I know I want to sink
and see the sea-bed.
“let
go!”
he seems confused.
does he?
I can’t see.
my wrist doesn’t hurt and
he seems confused.
I breathe a great load of water
it’s all white
is he there?
I can’t see him
no
there’s no noise
my bracelet
it’s stuck to the jetty
I can’t get it off
where did
he go
I can’t
get it off
he’s gone

torches

yes, she brings me flowers
wrapped tight in a tesco bag
more than one smile
dances on her face, and
so I look and learn there
in that great establishment of education

she never grieves
she lives
she puts pain in the
wicker basket on her bicycle
and cycles into the sun
no matter how heavy it may be

she is a stream, river
and a fountain waterfall all
together at once, not
without mud or silt but
flowing, flowing, flowing always
washing us clean of
our sins and sorrows

with this power of water
she could erode us
but she chooses to make us float
she could drown us
but she chooses to cleanse us
she could guide us foolish sailors to our deaths
but she chooses to hold great torches up as guides

thank god,
thank god for her
I think as milk comes out of my nose
while I snort and shriek with laughter

permission

for a long time I
chose to be
your victim
all torn up with
sorrow and disgust
making you all evil
all wrong
and myself
so weak
it was so much easier
to absolve myself of
thorny responsibility
this way

now
that victimhood belongs
to you
not me
not anymore
I survived your
long con
and your violence
and I will
not allow your
actions to scar me
any more
because you
are lower than shit
not evil
no, because that
would relinquish you
from the permanence of
who you are
in your humanity
and
the choices you made
in your selfishness

the reasons why I
allowed you to
exist within me
mean nothing at all
not now
not anymore
my pain
does not matter
not anymore
because I
have given it
permission to leave
forever